Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
