I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
