i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
