Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
