She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
