I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
