Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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