I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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