Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i drank out of a bidet.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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