You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
