I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You may now shotgun with the bride
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
