yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
