I want to make a zoo with you.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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