No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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