she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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