Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
