this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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