I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
