There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
