Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
