I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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