Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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