K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
