I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
