It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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