I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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