I wannas sexs uuuuu
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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