onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
