my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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