Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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