yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was born a porn star she said
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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