Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
