if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
