YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
