She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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