my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
