after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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