I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
