highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
