I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
