It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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