My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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