the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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