I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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