when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
