You don't have asthma, your pregnant
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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