I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
