Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
