i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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