yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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